So, as a good Presbyterian, I find myself sitting in an awful lot of committee meetings. I see some amazing moments of insight and wisdom and cooperation. And I also see some amazing moments of bad behavior and shocking statements and hurtful actions.
In the past, I've made lists of some of the bad communication strategies I've seen happen in meetings. Haven't thought about it much until I read a blog post today that brought to mind one of my favorites.
The comment goes like this:
"Lots of people have been coming to me lately and they are really concerned about..."
According to Scott Hodge, what this comment usually means is actually this:
"I basically only have three friends…and all of them think exactly like me. The other night we were enjoying a time of self righteousness because, after all, we are right about everything…and were also slandering you (in the form of prayer requests) and thought it would be wise to approach you with our pet peeve. We’ve actually talked to no one else about this but said “lots” because we wanted to validate our dysfunction.”
Thus: Rule #1 for effective communication
"NO ANONYMOUS FEEDBACK"
If "lots of people" feel it, then all those people need to come say it themselves. At the risk of sounding extreme, anything short of that is GOSSIP.
What do you think?
Spot on! Shouldn't Church be the one place above all others where we can be supported and supportive without the games, egos, self-absorption, and self-righteousness? To the extent that a committee is a group of volunteers pulling together to share ideas and shoulder the load of some important task that furthers the kingdom, well good. When committees become little fiefdoms to stroke our egos, count me out.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true Scott. As soon as I hear, "everyone is saying or feeling this way" that translates immediately for me into "here's how I feel doggone it and anyone in their right mind should agree with me." Do they not know how transparent they are? Then the slander through prayer has to make God the saddest of all. Thanks for the reminder Scott - I need it too.
ReplyDeleteThat last comment was from me - didn't relaize my profile didnt have my last name and in this church I could get someone else with the name Rick in some real trouble.
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